Is there a Santa Clause?

[Murdock]

This is not mine. I have no idea where I found it, but I am posting it here so I will never lose it.

Inspired by the season and with research help from textbooks I never thought I’d touch again – I am pleased to present an Engineer’s inquiry into Santa Claus.. (This should prove to any I.E. cynics that EVERYTHING is quantifiable).

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUSE?

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and gems, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only SANTA has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT, since Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second or 49,356 SPORTH. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip for 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours plus feeding and etc….

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,3000 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, while creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315.015 pounds of force.

IN CONCLUSION, IF SANTA EVER DID DELIVER PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE, HE’S DEAD NOW.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

[Digger[NJLP]]

I still believe in Santa!